Needs more
You have the idea down. No one can ever be correct in opinions; nevertheless, here are mine:
1) More bass
2) Less lead (high voice)
3) Add a moving line and/or counter melody
4) Make it loop properly
The other reviewers so far have been to harsh; this loop is got more potential than a few things on the front page of the Audio Portal.
Good luck!
--Redhatcore
5/10
3/5